Date #3: OK Fine Sex

In 2023, Ashley went on a new first date every week of the year until she fell in love. In 2025, she’s revisiting these weekly pieces on Deep Trouble to see how well this experiment really worked.

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Originally published 1/17/2023, Updated on 1/20/2025

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I know I said only a week ago that flirting was fun again, but I burned through that like a copy of Spare¹. Once you get back into the rhythm of checking dating apps, replying to texts and actually going out to meet people, the thrill goes away quickly. In fact, friends quickly pointed out that one date a week was actually pretty low for me. Hell, in my twenties, I used to stack multiple dates into a day². I saw a woman do this on Tiktok and people were VERY angry with her as though this were a new thing she invented, but people across the gender spectrum have been doing this for centuries.

Checking in from 2025 here to say that a clear example of this is pretty much how mad Twitter gets any time I mention polyamory. They simply cannot think of a reality where a woman knows she is polyamorous, is happy with that choice and is so firm in it, she can joke about it. It’s a reminder of just…how online the whole being online thing is. I can’t say in my actual every day life any online conversation around my relationships has been accurate.

Recently, I haven’t wanted to go on 52 first dates, but I have wanted to socialize again. It’s been years since I’ve cared enough about going out to have a regular dive bar. I hangout with my friends and the people I like, but I used to be outside. Just truly, outside. If I can read 100 dumb opinions a day on Twitter, why not go outside and meet people who probably won’t have very online opinions? I still live in Los Angeles, but it’s gotta be better than reading tweets from people who weren’t alive during the Bush administration.³

At the end of the day, making friends and dating are numbers games. Whether you’re monogamous and want to meet “the one” or you’re poly and want to meet your perfect ‘cule, it all starts with getting out there. There’s truth to that whole “when you know you know” thing. I can tell pretty quickly whether or not I vibe with someone, so if we’re getting to a point where I want to meet in person? I’m really giving you a shot! Figuring out someone isn’t for me over a cocktail isn’t a waste of time. I’ve wasted whole months in relationships that weren’t for me!

Anyway, Date #3 and I met on Hinge. A rare win for this app that I only started using in the last year. I still think Hinge is an app for normie monogamous people who are afraid of dying alone and will do anything to settle, but some of those people are attractive⁴. Usually when I meet up with Hinge people, they’ve never heard of Feeld⁵ and have somehow ignored the “solo poly/enm” in my profile.

Or, they absolutely read it, know that I’m not for them long-term, but they want to get laid before their next unfulfilling monogamous fling. In this case, it was absolutely that. A week of charming banter gave me high hopes, but fifteen minutes into meeting IRL, the routine became immediately clear.

You can tell when a guy has watched some Youtube video that tells them: Ask a girl exactly 3 questions, buy her exactly 3 drinks, repeat exactly 3 things she said back to her and invite her back to your place where you will pump 3 times fast/3 times slow and then you’ll follow her on Insta, like every 3rd pic she posts and never talk again.

I don’t know, I guess at a time when everyone is listening to like, the same 10 people for internet dating advice, this happens on both sides of the gender spectrum. This is the sterile, manufactured part of dating I think some of us feel right now. Anyway, this person told me they listen to a lot of relationship expert types. I went, “Oh, like Andrew Tate?” and they said, “No, I don’t like that guy, he just uses clout and gives bad advice.” Well, that’s one reason not to like that guy, I guess. And well…it sounds like you tried listening to him at some point.

I think dating is mechanic and sterile if you let it be. You can stack up multiple dates or just have one a week, but it’s harder to genuinely make a connection with someone if you go into it wanting one thing from them (sex.) Once it’s clear that someone put me into that box, it’s pretty easy for me to put them into that box too.

Like I said, I’m solo poly, I’m happy to meet people on their terms. I go into all of my dates with an open mind. I could meet my new best friend. A wife. My new favorite long-distance hook-up. Who knows⁶! In this case, I met my next forgettable one night stand.

We did watch the movie Bodies Bodies Bodies⁷ and I gotta say: that part was great! I missed the ending, but loved what I saw. I’m not ranking these dates in terms of good or bad. I’m doing this to restore my faith in people. To reignite my spark in humanity and remember there are people worth meeting that I don’t already know.

Under those KPIs, this was a success. I mean, it was a bad date, but it was a success for me going outside. I left my house after a rainstorm. I drove to SANTA MONICA. I gave someone who didn’t even smoke weed a shot! Baby, that is giving it a real try.

That’s a genuine attempt to expand the limits of my heart.

1

This is a reference to Prince Harry’s book. Remember when we had nothing to do but read that?

2

And, famously, in 2017, I had 8 polyamorous boyfriends, which made Twitter very mad again recently.

3

Another dumb Twitter opinion recently was that Biden was the worst president and Bush wasn’t that bad and was kind of chill. That just is not true.

4

It is CRAZY how Hinge has rebranded and become the cool app in two years.

5

It is CRAZY how Feeld has rebranded and tried to become the cool app for two years, but then they just invite Woody Allen to parties now?

6

I definitely DID NOT know.

7

For two years now, I have had this memory of a bad hook-up in a bedroom full of computer displays with one playing Bodies Bodies Bodies. I could not place the person or memory. I’m glad I’ve solved that mystery now.