Traitors is Perfect Actually and Nothing Needs to Change

SPOILERS! Obviously.

This season’s traitors have no clue what they’re doing. This show has been on for two seasons now, but most of the people who go on clearly do not watch the show. You might think that’s a problem. It would be horrible if someone went on Survivor or Big Brother and had little to no knowledge of the game! But, this is how Traitors thrives. It requires a cast that is half reality game show experts and half people who have no idea who Jeff Probst even is. It’s even better if they’re Housewives or Below Deck stews who don’t even seem to understand the concept of the game. Oh, you’ll never break your Housewives alliance on a show called Traitors? That seems so smart!

Traitors is not a hard game. We all used to play Mafia at theater cast afterparties, right? If the show actually tried to improve upon the game or challenges, they’d just be making a mid show around a game most students can figure out in 40 minutes. Instead, Traitors is about the tension that comes from Survivor and Big Brother people who’d throw their mom under a bus to win and people who have five brain cells and a Bravo contract.

Take Tom Sandoval (Vanderpump Rules) and Wes Bergmann (Real World), for example. Tom is your perfect reality star idiot. He’s hated, he’s had a hard time finding alliances because every woman wants him gone, he never knows what’s going on and he seems to be actively going through withdrawal. When the faithfuls finally banished a traitor last week thanks to Boston Rob (RIP Bob the Drag Queen), Tom sees this as evidence Boston Rob can be trusted and he’ll listen to whatever Boston Rob says.

Wes, however, is a gamer and knows you can’t just trust someone like Boston Rob! In fact, he points out, Boston Rob is probably a traitor1. Wes carefully explains to Tom and Chrishell from Selling Sunset (god I love this show) that Boston Rob is probably a traitor and that’s how he knew Bob the Drag Queen was one. They’re shocked when Wes helps them piece this together. It’s like watching a child finally figure out a math problem.

Wes is probably the only gamer who has ever properly prepared for Traitors. Some think their experiences on Survivor or Big Brother will help, but no. Those shows are made with normal people who use logic, not someone whose brain has been severely altered by Instagram likes. Wes went on E!’s House of Villains last season. If you haven’t watched House of Villains, you need to. They take villains from different reality shows (90 Day Fiancé, Housewives, Real World, etc.), put them in a house and make them do challenges. Each episode someone is voted out.

House of Villains also pokes fun at the entire reality game show concept. They know you’re there to see how these people interact and argue. There’s an episode in season 2 where the producers decide in the middle of a challenge that it was boring and not working. Any other show would scrap the challenge and try something else. House of Villains kept it in the show and just sped through it with a message that said, “Yeah, we’re sorry, this challenge was really boring and not funny” before cutting to who won. Joel McHale is the host and he knows it’s not a serious gig. When someone is like, “Joel, can I yell at Wes and try to punch Larissa?” he shrugs and says he doesn’t care and isn’t even sure if there are rules for that.

Wes wasn’t great on that show. He was definitely the most villainous and made good TV, but it’s also a popularity contest and he failed there. At the end of the game, everyone votes for the winner. He didn’t win because so many people hated him, but I don’t think he wanted to win. After seeing his reveal on Traitors, I think House of Villains was just Traitors prep for him. What he really wanted was to understand how reality stars think and he achieved that goal.

He figured out how to get into the Housewives alliance! New York was on his side! He had every man in the house doing his bidding! He got the most popular person in the house banished! If Wes can explain game theory to Larissa from 90 Day Fiancé, I know he can handle Sam Asghari.

That’s the game you have to prepare for to win Traitors, not being good at challenges or incredible instincts. In fact, being good at knowing who the traitors are will make you suspicious to people who are too dumb to know who the traitors are. Look at how Wes handled Rob in the latest episode. He lied! He denied putting Rob’s name out there and did it without throwing anyone under the bus or making enemies. A reality star faithful would just tell the truth. They don’t know to play the game.

Traitors knows what makes the show good. When Alan Cumming says, “Do not linger, Tom, go into the night.” That is Traitors at its best. Chrishell continually voting for Tom just because she’s friends with his ex even though there’s no logic to it? Never change, I love you. Ayan telling Wes she has no idea who he is? Amazing. In fact, Ayan recently did an interview where she said, “I thought the Survivor people on the show were survivors of a plague or something.”

This game is all about putting calculating manipulators in a castle with people who are too famous/unaware of their surroundings to be manipulated by them. That is the show. If you’re watching because you want to see who can carry a statue up a hill the fastest, find another show. I’m watching because I want to see beautiful dumb rich people frustrate someone who had to eat ants on an island. I want to see a Real Housewife drive someone crazier than the Big Brother house.

I don’t even understand 90% of the challenges! They have to make bird sounds? Sure, whatever. They have to jump on platforms and row a boat? Sounds good. When all that happens, I am on my phone posting about the show. When it’s over, I look up to see who won a shield or who’s up for murder because that means we’re finally at the best part of the show:

The Round Table. Banishment. This is what we are fucking here for, okay?

When every season starts, there's someone who annoys people immediately. I understand this as both an annoying and judgy person. This time it was Dorinda. She was too aggressive too quickly. She tried too hard in the challenge, which made people suspicious. It was clear she’d be the first voted out because she kept starting arguments with people.

This is where the “Traitors is a popularity contest” thing comes in to play: it doesn’t matter if you’re a faithful if no one wants to share the money with you. If the faithfuls think you’re a “bad faithful,” that’s just as bad as being a traitor.

In any other show, it would make sense for the traitors to keep people like this around to protect them at banishment. If there are always unlikable people you can use them as a distraction. This is just reality game show 101. It’s the most logical option when you get a sense that there’s someone pissing people off. Online, everyone could see Dorinda would be the first banished, so the traitors could go crazy with their first kill and use her as a shield. So, did the traitors use this Dorinda to their advantage and kill a larger threat?

No. They just killed Dorinda. What a waste! She would’ve been gone the next day anyway! Despite two gamers, Danielle Reyes (Big Brother) and Carolyn Wiger (Survivor), being traitors things aren’t going great. The traitors are mostly fighting with each other which makes it pretty obvious to everyone else that they’re traitors. Danielle thinks she’s playing a great game, but she is truly the worst traitor in the history of the show.

Wiger has been afraid to speak up against larger personalities like Danielle, Bob the Drag Queen and (later) Boston Rob. Carolyn’s nice Minnesota ass was not getting a word in against any of those people. Maybe she could’ve explained the whole shield thing to Danielle and Bob, but they just hyped each other up on doing the most chaotic thing possible. They also clearly planned to throw Carolyn under the bus.

Carolyn, you are too nice for House of Villains, but I hope your experience in the tower has been a quick lesson on handling personalities in the castle. She’s the only original traitor I can see making it to the end. Rob will probably be gone soon though, since he jumped on Bob the Drag Queen too early.

In a perfect world, Wes is recruited and he takes it to the end with Carolyn. Obviously, I always root for the traitors. I am here to support bad bitches, not the faithfuls. It’s so annoying when you watch Traitors with someone who’s like “omg guys, they’re just doing their job, they’re supposed to find the traitors!”

Shut up! Stop siding with Zac Efron’s brother (I know, he has a name) and understand that Bob the Drag Queen was ready to give us more great TV. When he said he planned to go to the end so the faithfuls would think he was the last traitor, leaving Danielle to win, his game suddenly made sense. He wanted to be obvious, but not too obvious. He knew the faithfuls that were on to him would save him so unknown faithfuls couldn’t be recruited and they’d have to start their search over. Bob has gotten some hate for his game, but at least he actually had one!

He just didn’t have the gaming skills to pull it off. A better gamer could’ve turned Bob’s final roundtable around on Boston Rob. Bob said one of the new guys could be a traitor prior to Rob turning everyone against him. If Bob was really been thinking strategy, he would’ve pointed this out at the roundtable, told everyone it’s suspicious Rob wants him gone all of a sudden and they’d get a traitor out. That would’ve kept Bob in for awhile, probably. Who knows?

There’s no perfect strategy for Traitors. The best laid plans can be changed by a housewife deciding she didn’t like what you said about her outfit2. Someone from Vanderpump Rules or Bling Empire can get confused and write the wrong name on their tablet. Sometimes, I’m not even sure if the housewives know exactly what they’re voting for. If this is what you’re looking for, this is a great season of Traitors. I’ve seen the complaints though: “there’s too many men (ok, yes, but blame the traitors for that!)”, “the format needs to change”, “it doesn’t make sense.”

Yeah. This is fucking TRAITORS. This isn't Road Rules. This isn't Survivor. I think 45% of this show comes to Alan Cumming in a fever dream. They make up rules whenever they want. I've tried to watch Big Brother and that shit is confusing. "The HOA has to do 5 turns and stand in the rain for 2 hours and they get a picture of their family." WHAT?? What are you even saying? I DON'T CARE. When we played Mafia at those cast parties, it was never about Mafia. It was about weird glances and who was trying to get killed or banished quickly so they could go be somewhere else with their crush.

I want to see reality TV stars and people I don't recognize pretend to sleep in a castle. I want them to be just as confused by the games as I am. I want to watch them say things like “the traitors killed me because they were jealous of my looks.” Absolutely, babe, sure. Thank you, Alan Cumming, you are giving me everything I want.

Nothing about Traitors needs to change3. The chaos is the point.

1

Ugh, Wes is so good at this!! I was ready to hate him after House of Villains, but he’s won me over.

2

Also, this is why I like the American Reality Star Celebs/Game Show Normies mix!

3

Actually, I saw a post that the show should change its format so there’d be two episodes a week and I do agree with that. More Traitors is the only change they should make.